My favorite barre instructor says, “Listen to your body whisper so you don’t need to feel it scream.” When I take her active and strenuous class, I anticipate it will be exhausting. I apply extra deodorant and mentally prepare for a workout.
I approach listening in the same way. We tend to think listening is something anyone can do, but really hearing another person is a skill.
In graduate school, I took a class on Motivational Interviewing. At its core, Motivational Interviewing involves active listening, checking for understanding, and setting aside your own agenda to help someone better understand their feelings and behavior. I’d never been taught before how to listen to others, and I suddenly had tools and a structure with which to do so: open-ended questions, affirmations, reflection statements, and summarizing. I loved it.
I started using them with my partner, friends, and family… and it was completely exhausting. My brain worked hard to stay present, and I discovered that often I had to suppress my own internal thoughts and motivations. I had to quiet my anticipatory response (thinking what I wanted to say instead of really listening). Sometimes, I caught myself asking leading questions, hoping they would answer in a certain way, which does not embody the Motivational Interviewing mindset. My professor told me, “Listening is not supposed to be easy!”
Although it felt completely different from the way we're used to communicating, I learned through practice that this kind of listening is essential. It means putting your agenda aside when you ask, “How was your day?” and not waiting for them to answer before you continue, “…and when are you going to write that supplemental essay?” When teens don't feel heard in everyday conversations, they may eventually express their feelings in ways that are harder for us to ignore.
Ready to listen to your teenager’s subtle cues so they don’t feel forced to raise the volume to feel heard?
First, thank you brain for being so on top of the to-do list. Set that agenda aside. Right now, you are only listening. This is not the time to remind them of something. Try one of my favorite open-ended prompts: What was the rose (good thing), thorn (bad thing), and bud (hopeful thing) about your day today?
When they respond, practice an affirmation or reflection (or both!).
Reflection: “Ugh, being exhausted for a test makes the rest of your day harder.”
That’s it. Resist the urge to add: “I hope you can get to bed earlier so you don’t have to deal with that again.” You may be trying to help, but you've shifted from listening to problem-solving.
Affirmation: “You got your homework in on time, and you put a lot of effort into it.” Don’t add: “And now you know you shouldn’t procrastinate anymore, right?” This is preachy and limits connection.
Intentionally talking less and making sure your responses center the other person's experience is hard. By the end, your brain will have had a workout! The goal isn't to get every response right. It's to help your teen feel that they can come to you with the small things before those small things become big. This October, let's practice listening for the whispers before the screams come out.
